Cure the brisket: Mix together the salt, black pepper, coriander, pink curing salt, sugar, bay leaf, and cloves in a bowl. Coat that beautiful brisket entirely with the cure and shove it in an extra-large resealable plastic bag. Stick it in the fridge and flip it once daily for 10-14 days. I use calendar reminders because I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached.

Soak the brisket: Take the brisket out (it'll look... different) and wash off as much of the salt mixture as possible under cold water. Then soak it in cold water for 2 hours, changing the water every 30 minutes. This prevents it from being saltier than a sailor with a stubbed toe.

Prepare the spice rub: Mix together the black pepper, coriander, paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, dill weed, mustard, celery seed, and crushed red pepper flakes. Coat the brisket with this magical mixture.

Smoke the brisket: Fire up your smoker to 225-250°F. Add wood chunks, place the brisket fat side up, and smoke until it hits 165-170°F internally. This'll take 6-10 hours, so get comfortable. I usually pass the time by telling my family how amazing the food will be until they threaten to move out.

Steam the brisket: Transfer the smoked brisket to a roasting pan with a rack. Add an inch of water, bring to a boil, then reduce heat, cover with foil, and steam until it reaches 180-205°F internally. This takes another 1-2 hours. Add more hot water if needed, unless you enjoy the smell of scorched pans.

Rest and slice: Let it cool slightly, then slice AGAINST the grain as thin as possible. Serve on rye bread with mustard and prepare for praise.